Oneshot: You don't know who I am

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Czernobog
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Oneshot: You don't know who I am

Post by Czernobog » Sun Feb 15, 2009 5:22 pm

You don’t know who I am

Bloodsucker laughed as he mowed down the security guards, blowing their brains out, shooting them down. Blood poured from their orifices, becoming whips, cutting blades, and other things. Blood boiled as he raised his hand, causing men to literally explode, vanishing in gore and guts and other gruesome things. Heads exploded as he unleashed his power, blowing people apart with but an effort of will. Every droplet of blood spilled became one of his weapons, sent at hypersonic speed with greater power than a bullet, blowing craters in men's chests and staining the walls and floor red.


Every shot with his customised Desert Eagle was a hit. Blood leapt forth from the bodies of those he mowed down mercilessly, becoming whips and deadly blades.

‘Oh my God, help!’ one screamed, looking pathetic. Bloodsucker walked over to him, making sure to shoot any of the still-living guards. This one, however, needed special treatment.

‘Who am I!?’ Bloodsucker asked to the guard, his voice filled with rage and anger.

‘I...I dunno.’

‘You DON’T KNOW WHO I AM!’ Bloodsucker roared in anger. ‘Well, My NAME IS TED COLEMAN! I AM THE BLOODSUCKER! AND...YOU...ARE...GOING...TO...SUFFER!’

pain...trauma...shock...you feel this. Your name is Ted Carlyle.
No, Ted’s not my name.
Yes it is.
You are feeling the worst pain possible. You are burning, burning in hell. The hell you sent my father to. I've seen your mind. You work with the IRS. You deserve to suffer. You have no sense of worth. You are an animal, to be broken at my whim.

No.

Yes.

No I’m not an animal.

Your mind is breaking already.

I am breaking it myself.

I will leave you unharmed, but when you return home you will have an urge to murder your entire family. You will say sorry as you kill them. And I will enjoy it. My father will be avenged.

Finally.
Last edited by Czernobog on Sun Feb 15, 2009 8:24 pm, edited 2 times in total.
You have ruled this galaxy for ten thousand years.
You have little of account to show for your efforts.
Order. Unity. Obedience.
We taught the galaxy these things.

And we shall do so again.

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Shroom Man 777
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Re: Oneshot: You don't know who I am

Post by Shroom Man 777 » Sun Feb 15, 2009 6:17 pm

Kamin, you really need to learn to write a narrative. That was just a scene that - if played out in a movie or a TV episode - probably lasted for less than a minute. Even a oneshot is a progression of scenes. With a beginning, a middle and an end. Or, at least, a scene that's properly described mang.



Nonetheless, I like the idea of the Bloodsucker out for revenge.

Did he shoot a man, whose blood spurted out of the gunshot wound, and then used his hemokinesis to manipulate the spilt blood and use the 'sharpened droplets' to kill people?

Because that would be really cool, though.

(And I guess it goes with my notion that after DINO EATER, the Problem Solvers would learn from the formative experience and become total badasses later on in life. Since DE is set in the very early 2000s, which means guys like Bloodsucker and Vic Twist're still pretty young'ns.)
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Re: Oneshot: You don't know who I am

Post by speaker-to-trolls » Sun Feb 15, 2009 8:06 pm

First the fact that Shrooms comment is at least as long as the story is telling. Second, sentences should begin with a capital letter.

Thirdly, I agree with Shroom that you need to describe things more. I had to read this twice to work out what was going on, describe clearly what your character is doing, unless you want to be deliberately ambiguous (which doesn't make sense in the context, but just for future reference). The last bit is just goddamn confusing, is it meant to be from Bloodsuckers perspective? Is it him talking to the security guard or remembering something or holding some kind of internal dialogue or any combination of the above?
A smoothe transaction between the one perspective and the other would fix the above problem, to some extent, just as long as it's clear what is objective narration and what is going on inside Bloodsuckers crazy little brain (and I assume he's crazy now because the last few sentence look just like the Goddamn Crows internal monologue).
"Little monuments may be completed by their first architects, but great ones; true ones leave their copestones to posterity. God keep me from completing anything."

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Czernobog
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Re: Oneshot: You don't know who I am

Post by Czernobog » Sun Feb 15, 2009 8:25 pm

Edited it a bit.
You have ruled this galaxy for ten thousand years.
You have little of account to show for your efforts.
Order. Unity. Obedience.
We taught the galaxy these things.

And we shall do so again.

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