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Shroom Man 777
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Miscellaneous Items

Post by Shroom Man 777 »

Post various miscellaneous tidbits and stuff that's canon but otherwise irrelevant to stories or character profiles or other articles here.

The Deschain Diaries
See, Erika is the daughter of the decorated adventure-soldier Dae Woo Deschain, who in turn is the son of the renowned gunslinger outlaw Dae Kwon Deschain, the adopted ward of the immortal Dimitri Dzhugashvili Deschain – the only one of Josef Stalin’s body doubles to have escaped the Gulag of a Thousand Stalins alive. Dimitri Deschain traveled from the northern wastes of Siberia to the southern hinterlands of Outer Mongolia, bordering the lands of China and the Koreas, he rode to that lawless badland on his hoss, put on his duds an’ his boots, holstered his shooting-irons, and began promptly and righteously kicking ass. In his lone gunman warrior-without-a-cause wanderings, he found a boy who lost his parents to a band of Mongolian biker-bandits and took him in. That boy was Dae Kwon Deschain. Together, they went all ‘round Manchuria hold-upping trains and banks, running from the ChiComs and robbing from the rich to give to the rich (later), going into bar fights and smacking fools with pool cues, chasing down cattle-rustling flying saucers and generally showing the Man what-for. Their exploits would become legendary, and the Gunslinger of Groznygrad and the Korean Kid’s adventures are still sung in ballads all over the wastelands and frontiers of Wild Manchura and Soviet Russia to this day.

Eventually though, father and son parted ways, and as Dimitri rode on to the sunset, Dae Kwon Deschain settled down in a little town called Maxim Gorky with a woman he met in his escapades, a smuggler working for the Coca Cola Company named Bonnie Roland. They’d make an honest living, flying C-130 cargo planes low and hard beneath the radar, landing right outside Pyongyang before riding in to sell contraband colas and sodas to the impoverished Norks. If the Norks couldn’t afford it, then they’d fly norther to Da Hinggan Ling to sell what they had left to the ChiComs. But sometimes, the pickings were slim and they had to mosey over to Soviet Russia – specifically Tunguska, Siberia, where they could sell their produces to the miners who harvested cursed uranium. By virtue of the Great Leap Forward, and New Coke being of inferior quality to Coke Classic, these trips to the Russian No-Fly Zone became more and more frequent till Dae Kwon and Bonnie’s C-130 met the wrong end of an SA-2 battery. This resulted in a very long walk from the Mongolian steppes back to Maxim Gorky, with the couple carrying fistfuls of rubles and fending off Mongolian bandidos ‘till they met a bunch of Canaanite Pilgrims and hitched a ride on their Volkswagen vans. This abundance of spare time, at least, afforded Dae Kwon to finish with some letters he had meant to write for a long time.

Anyway, somewhere in that very long walk, Dae Kwon impregnated Bonnie inside a Mongolian teepee under a starry-starry night, and upon their return to Maxim Gorky they decided to abandon their life of criminality once and for all by hitching a ride on a DC-3 piloted by geriatric aviators and crewed by equally decrepit but nonetheless cheerful and smiley stewardesses. There on that dusty airfield outside Maxim Gorky, the DC-3 carrying Dae Kwon and Bonnie taxied and went off the runway, narrowly avoiding a collision with an Antonov and taking to the skies.

Their destination was that curious little place in America that was neither the US of A nor Canadia, the land of Skyhaven – where the cattle roam wild and free and whose populace earn a living through a livelihood of adventure, or so the brochures said. See, their DC-3 was going to Skyhaven to fetch a canister of bioluminescent bull semen ordered by cattle rancher and mob boss Kirov Kalashov, but that’s besides the point since neither Dae Kwon Deschain nor Bonnie Roland wanted anything to do with bioluminescent bull semen ordered by cattle ranching mob bosses.

Anyway, Dae Kwon would take up writing a serial based on his and Dimitri’s adventures in Wild Manchuria. He also had a talent for drawing pictures, having practiced it in the Baikonur Badlands and during the times he wasn’t shot at by the Sixty-Four Villages East of Heilongjiang River’s Village People, and had also promptly gotten himself acquainted with a typewriter and promptly began transcriptioning his weather-beaten leather-bound journal’s contents. The pretty pictures, and the thrilling tales of adventure, suspense, and swashbuckling action would make the Deschain Diaries popular with the masses. Meanwhile, Bonnie renewed her pilot’s license and upon proving her skill in aviating, eventually ended up flying the Spruce Moose – Howard Huge’s last and greatest creation, which he sold to Skyhaven out of spite.

With a new life far away from the ChiCom lawmen and the Tsarist Russians, Dae Kwon and Bonnie Deschain raised their firstborn son and gave him as normal an upbringing as they could. They named him Dae Woo Deschain.

Dae Woo would grow up to be an upstanding young man. His mother taught him about the birds and the bees, the flowers and flying airplanes – having him play co-pilot when she was flying the Spruce Moose on Bring Your Child to Work Day. His daddy, on the other hand, filled his head with tales of running away from the Red Star-badged ChiCom Lawgivers riding in on their T-34 tanks, robbing from the rich and giving to the poor, and all that jazz – instilling upon him a sense of wanderlust as the balding old bandido reminisced of past adventures with a long gone grandfather and mentor who bore a striking resemblance to Joseph Stalin, the greatest of the unsung Soviet Socialist Sorcerers Supreme.

After a brief stint over at the French Foreign Legions, Dae Woo Deschain joined the Skyhaven Army Air Force. Specifically, he joined the SKAAF’s elite detachment of Rescue Rangers – a globetrotting unit of adventure-soldiers with a mandate to help those in need, to intervene in emergencies, and to aid in relief efforts following natural disasters and calamities. With their slouch hats and leather jackets, they would board jet-propelled seaplanes and go rescue ranging across the globe.

Dae Woo’s adventures would take him everywhere – from Skyhaven to nearby neighboring California to help douse the Los Angeles Oil Field Fires. Dae Woo Deschain joined firejumpers from across the continent, jumping off his seaplane to storm the smoldering smokestacks while planes showered the burning LA landscape with sewer water generously contributed by treatment plants from all over the state. Later on, he went to the Caribbean to aid the beleaguered Haitians when the dead rose from their graves to walk the earth and spread infection courtesy of Papa Doc Duvalier – and Dae Woo, with the Rescue Rangers, came in on rescue helicopters to pick escapees up while hacking the undead to pieces with rotor blades. After this, Dae Woo went south to Brazil for his shore leave, just in time for the Carnivale and the Weird giant octopus that would come to threaten the parade peoples every single year without fail with its slimy tentacles and capacity to breathe air. But that year, the octopus was successfully fended off with no small part to the Rescue Rangers and they left Brazil as great heroes.

(The Brazilians would proceed to roast the octopus’ severed tentacle, turning it into oversized calamari. The lepers amongst them who fed on the felled meat were cured of their ailments in a great and mysterious miracle.)

After Brazil, Dae Woo and the Rescue Rangers would fly to Indonesia to help evacuate islanders off Krakatoa right before it exploded with the force of ten thousand smaller volcanoes. When it did explode with the force of ten thousand smaller volcanoes, Dae Woo and the Rescue Rangers had just lifted off with their seaplane filled to capacity with men, women and children – and even some of the livestock and poultry they had brought with them – and when the shockwave came, a panicked chicken ended up flying into Dae Woo’s face and both of them fell off the fleeing airplane and into the ash blackened sky that rained fire and brimstone.

In a strange turn of events, Dae Woo woke up to find himself alive and relatively unhurt, with strange people (and one curious chicken) watching over him. Krakatoa had blown him halfway across the Indonesian archipelago and he had landed on an uncharted island inhabited by a small village of surf elves – the carefree and suntanned descendants of a once glorious civilization from antediluvian times now living in a tropical paradise, bereft of all but the bare necessities needed to enjoy the surf and the sun. He lived with them for a while, learning their language while they learned his – since they were a very curious people – and he joined them in their daily activities, such as fishing and riding the waves on nalwood surfboards, and playing elven beach volleyball. They were a hospitable people, eager to learn of the outside world for they had never vented outside their island paradise, and he answered their many questions by telling tales of his home Skyhaven, of his globe-trotting mission to save people in need, of his father and his father’s father, the story of the Deschains as written in first ever copy of the Diaries given to him by his father, which he brought with him everywhere. They were enthralled by all this, and had taken a liking to their strange visitor’s ways, speaking his language and fashioning clothes in the likeness of his – such as his slouch hat.

An elf girl named Aerende particularly fancied Dae Woo Deschain and in return for his tales, she told him the story of their people – of how they once had ships that flew in the sky, of how they once ruled a great land but fled with the coming of a blight that forced them to hide in their island enclaves, which were rich in life magic that granted them longevity and youth. She told them of how mortal men came, jealous of their secrets, and how Aerende’s parents – and the parents of the other surf elves – had given their lives in defense of their children. But with Dae Woo’s tales, she had hoped that things had changed, that there was no longer any need for them to hide, that they could finally leave their island and enter a brave new world full of so many new things.

But as Dae Woo and Aerende convinced the fellow surf elves to embark with them on a journey to leave their island by building some manner of sea vessel, they had new visitors. A corsair ship from Formosa, Dae Woo judged from its flags, had landed on the eastern shore and disgorged its cutthroat crew of raiders. The elves fled to the forests, but Dae Woo knew that the island was too small for them to hide forever, so he rallied them and led them in a counterattack, ambushing the corsairs and beating them with sticks. The concussions gave the pirates the amnesia, so Dae Woo and Aerende were able to steal their ship and laterwards, dump them on an island on Micronesia.

But before that, Aerende told her fellow elves that she was going to leave their island and, thus, live a mortal’s life, one that would be filled with adventure and the exploration of new things. So she went with Dae Woo and together, they sailed off into the sunset.

Then they dumped the amnesia-stricken corsairs in Micronesia.
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"Sometimes Shroomy I wonder if your imagination actually counts as some sort of war crime." - FROD
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